I Am the Unexpected Patriarch

My gaze lingers across a beautiful vista. We’re gathered in my oldest son’s living room. The table is filled with food, the room is filled  my children, my grandchildren, my in-laws, laughter and lots of love.

Every single person here in this room is here because of me, because of a decision I made 40 years ago.

I made this happen. And it is glorious.

It is January 1980, the first day of my second semester of German class.

I’m a sophomore in college.

A tall, long-legged brunette in high heels and a skirt walks in. She sits down just in front of me. I introduce myself. We chat. We become friendly. Eventually, I ask her out. We fall in love and are married with the year.

4 kids come over the next 9 years. I am ecstatic.

I knew exactly what kind of father I wanted to be. I knew because I remembered what kind of father I had needed. The kind I didn’t get.

My father couldn’t give me what I needed. He just wasn’t wired for the job. He took care of my physical needs. Everything else was up to me.

For what he gave me, I am thankful. For what he couldn’t give me, I am thankful.

My need was a gaping hole, and his failure drove me and formed me.

All I ever wanted out of life was to be the best possible father I could be; to give my children the fullness of my heart and the depths of my love.

And I did it. The proof is here before me, in this room fill with Christmas spirit and familial love.

No, it’s not perfect. We are all woefully human.

Yes, there is conflict and friction along with love and affection. My marriage didn’t survive. We were great together as parents, awful together as partners.

But we created this family I watch over today.

My motivation has always been simple: to give my time, love, attention, wisdom, guidance and all of my heart to my offspring.

It has turned out far better than I imagined.

I didn’t consciously set out to be a patriarch. But I consciously set out to father these children the way I wish I had been fathered.

With grace, luck and determination, I succeeded. And – as a glorious side effect – I became the patriarch of this beautiful clan.

2 strong sons, 2 beautiful daughters. 1 son-in-law. 2 daughters-in-law. 6 grandsons. 1 granddaughter.

I am wealthy beyond all imagining.

When we gather, it is a beautiful riotous cacophony of love.

I had no idea on that January day 40 years ago that my life would become this amazing goulash of joy and heartache.

There’s been great pain along the way, of course. The loss of marriage felt like death at the time. But we all survived, pulled together, and kept loving one another.

Nothing precious comes without pain. 

Was it worth it?

Oh yes. A thousand times YES!

My life is bursting at the seems with privilege, responsibility, blessings, love and meaning.

Make no mistake: the wisdom I’ve acquired over the years  has come the hard way – through painful experience and bitter lessons. I’ve paid the price for my mistakes, my folly and my own pig-headedness.

The best way to learn is the easy way – by listening to those who’ve learned the hard way.